BREAKING: CANADA TAKES PROGRESSIVE STEPS TO ‘DECRIMINALIZE’ DECAPITATION

(OPB Manitoba) – Following the decision to allow reformed psychotic murderer Vince Li, 45, to leave his residence at the Selkirk Hospital for the Maladjusted for excursions to area shopping centres and parks, health officials announced today that they would like to improve Canada’s “outdated attitudes” towards mental illness.

“We fully realize that changing the country’s ignorant superstitions on this issue can’t take place over night,” said Sherri Dullworth, CEO of the Manitoba Mental Reform Chancellory (M.M.R.C).  Dullworth, wrongly-institutionalized herself in 1984 after drowning her three young children in a bathtub, explained that at the time, psychiatric methods were still in their infancy.

“Due to the horrors I personally experienced as a young woman, I truly sympathize with Mr. Li,” said Dullworth.

“Our psychiatric knowledge thirty years ago was comparatively primitive, and I was forced to endure a lengthy incarceration for what would later be identified as a simple ‘fleeting episode’ of postpartum depression – easily treated nowadays on an outpatient basis through administration of tranquilizers.  I’m never going to get those eight weeks of my life back, but that’s something I’ve come to terms with.”

Dullworth added, “That’s why we at the M.M.R.C fully endorse the plan to allow Mr. Li the freedom to roam our quaint streets, if only as a pilot project.

“I mean, Selkirk has a population of under 10,000 people.  Everyone knows that the world can be a dangerous place, but that danger tends to reside in much larger cities like Winnipeg.  Here?   We understand what it means to be the ‘little guy’; the victim, if you will.  Frankly, I can’t think of a more appropriate place for Mr. Li’s reintroduction to society.”

Li, who freely admits killing, decapitating, and gorging on the flesh of fellow Greyhound passenger Tim McClean during an otherwise-normal nighttime bus ride in 2008, insists that he is a “different man” today.

When reached for comment via Skype at his hospital apartments, Li explained that his recovery has been so total that he can now “even laugh” at his behaviour those many years ago.

“I was informed after the fact that it was a pretty wild night,” said Li.   “Josh, my doctor, said that after protectively clutching the head like an ultimate Frisbee, I began to howl obscenities and non-stop gibberish until hour-five of the police standoff.”   At this, Li paused briefly before joking, “I can only guess I was having a pretty bad ‘Case of The Mondays’!”

Dr. Josh Pfeiffer, 33, who holds not only a PhD in Psychology, but a BA (Hon.) in English Literature and an M.A. in Film Studies, did not immediately return the OPB’s request for comment.  However, Pfeiffer was kind enough to succinctly address the public’s concerns in less than 140 characters on his Twitter feed with the following statement:

@DoctahJayFife69: #totalbullshit – “OMG! my man vince is TOTALLY ready to reintegrate and you h8rs need to give the guy a br8k 4real!!!1”

Dr. Josh Pfeiffer

Dr. Josh Pfeiffer

 

While public opinion remains somewhat divided on this issue, Selkirk Judge-elect,The Honorable Alan Sweetgrass, agreed with Dr. Pfeiffer’s professional assessment.  A representative from his office forwarded this quote on his behalf:

“Look, it’s not like Mr. Li got up that morning and made a conscious, premeditated decision to claim a Carney’s head as a battle prize.   That would be inexcusable in the eyes of the law.  Plus, everyone knows it is adequate to simply remove the scalp from your still-living enemy, thus shaming both his physical body in this lifetime, and that of his ghost for all eternity.

“In my opinion, the fault lies not with poor Mr. Li, but with the evil spirits that took up residence in his brain.  However, thanks to the infallibility of modern Psychiatry and Dr. Josh, its local practitioner, I’m confident our wholesome little community will accept Mr. Li with open arms.”

The Hon. Allan Sweetgrass

The Hon. Alan Sweetgrass

The OPB will continue to follow this story as it develops.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/psychiatrist-pitches-unsupervised-selkirk-visits-for-vince-li-1.2549481

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