You’re Not Going to Believe This, But I Saw a Guy Take Justin Bieber Home with Him on the Bus Tonight!

iphone bieber bus 016

AND NOW I’M GOING TO MERCILESSLY MAKE FUN OF HIM!

…no, not “real life” Bieber. I’d have sold those shots to TMZ for a MINT!

(Reader: Wow, this guy must really love fresh breath!) No! Like, a ton of MONEY!

Jesus Kuh-riiiiste! You people, I swear to god!   (Just kidding, I’m the idiot.)

No, I saw THIS!

This is even more unwholesome in a way.

That picture of Bieber was clearly taken quite a while ago, so you just KNOW that this guy isn’t buying it because he “respects Bieber as an artist” or some bullshit. No, we can assume he just likes ’em that age.

(And before anyone asks, he’s not with that woman behind him. I watched him board the bus alone. EVERYONE did, in fact. I know this because I watched a couple of parents watching Bieber boy there, and, perceiving him to be a possible threat to their children, they put themselves between their kids and…IT.

 “Hi-YA, Georgie!  Do you wanna BALLOON!?”

It reminded me of that scene in The Village when Hairlip Phoneix’s character does that slow-mo save of that foxy, blind redhead. You know, when all the creatures are closing in on her? And you see what obviously took just an instant, but with more frames per-second, so we can see every little detail as they scramble for the cellar? It was like that.

Anyway, on to the JOKES:

Here we go:

“This will likely be the ‘last known photo’ of this man, because it was dark out, and whatever stop he got off at, he was undoubtedly beaten to DEATH.”

“Excuse me, miss? Would you mind asking Siri whether or not my carrying a full-sized poster of a pre-pubescent Justin Bieber onto a crowded public bus while making absolutely ZERO effort to conceal it could be considered ‘creepy’ in any way? Oh, that’s not an iPhone? No-no, you don’t have to Google it. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m perfectly on the level.”

“Sorry to bother you, but does my HAT make me look weird? You see, I just bought this HAT here and I’m feeling pretty self-conscious about it.”

“What, are you calling the COPS?! God, can’t a pedophile catch a freakin’ BREAK?!”

“Don’t worry, I bought this for a little girl!
…pssssstt! (Whispering) My ‘cam name’ is ‘Little Girl.'”

“What, THIS? For ME? Ha ha! No-no, it’s for my daughters! By the way, my ‘daughters’ are actually a half dozen male, anatomically correct sex dolls. I call them the ‘GAYDY BUNCH!’ Get it? Come on, you know the song!

‘Here’s the story, a hole named ‘Glory’ / Which was host to an assort-ment of thrills! / Some were young and some were old / But I stopped caring / I’ve got to pay my bills! Doo-doo-duh-doot-doot!’

Never seen it, huh? Shit. Well, it is one fuckin’ TWISTED ‘show,’ The Gay-dy Bunch. Viewer discretion is strongly advised.”

 

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