“How I Learned That I Too (A Dude!) Can Drink for FREE!”

Consider for a moment that if a girl wants to acquire free alcohol, she simply has to put on a pair of heels, a little war paint, a top that shows off her rack, and maybe a skirt so short it’d be more aptly described as a “wide belt.”

She then cozies up to the bar, alone, and waits.

[Enter Local Idiot from Stage-Left, Who Has No Idea He’s Walking into a “Honey Trap”]

Local Idiot: “Hey, uh…can I buy you a drink?

Girl: “Tee hee! Aww, you’re so sweet.  I’m Fake Name, what’s yours?”

A drink is poured, paid for, and served up. The Bartender is also complicit in the trap, because he knows that Casanova doesn’t want to appear cheap in front of the two of them. Not at a moment like this. Not when there is so much to be gained.

The bartender also waits.


A two dollar tip on an eight dollar girly drink?  No big deal, I suppose.  After all, this investment is going to pay dividends.

Local Idiot: “So uh, do you go to school, or…”

Girl: “You are so sweeeeeeet! Okay, have a nice night!”

Going, going, still going – and it’s OUTTA HERE! Ladies and gentlemen, that’s the ball game! Don’t forget your free pamphlet on the way out, and try to get home safely! G’night!

So yeah…and then I go home.  Heh heh.

Anyway, recently a Facebook buddy posted the following status update:

“Hey! To any of my friends who can draw, I need your HELP! Don’t ask me why I need this, I just do, okay? I need a picture of Walter “The Walrus” White and his pal, Jesse “The Penguin” Pinkman. Whoever does this will get a beer and possibly a cookie.”

I thought to myself, “Hey, you can draw. You also like beer, and the possibility of a cookie at a later date might be pretty nice. I hope it’s Oatmeal Chocolate Chip!”

So ten minutes later, I tagged him in this sketch:


(And yes, you’re right – Jesse “The Penguin” Pinkman SHOULD have a sideways cap or something)

I didn’t realize it at the time, but through online social networking, there’s a bit of an advantage over the hot chicks at the bar, because to any hopeful males who witnessed her sleight-of-flesh technique when she left the guy with his jaw hanging down to his iron-free “Yes, I Do Take Myself Seriously” button-down shirt, only to return to her fellow crew of hot chicks to laugh at his expense and how they “can’t believe that still works,”  the trick will have been exposed for what it is.  You know, for about five minutes when another “Wolf Pack” confidently struts in.

“Pay no attention to the smoking hot whores behind the curtain!”

So then came the first of more requests.

Another friend: “Dude! I will give you a CASE of beer and a BAG of cookies if you draw ME with Walrus Tusks!”

A few minutes later, I tagged him in this:


Yes, I spent the next day or two patiently responding to the “WHY does he have walrus tusks?!” comments.

But hey, at least I was able to do so while enjoying beer and cookies, right?


  1. Hey if the guy is dumb enough to buy, and the girl fake enough to be willing to flutter her eyelashes and someone she has no interest in, then why not? I’m all for mutually beneficial relationships. Every fool needs another like him/her.


    1. But…that synopsis only labels the guy to be an idiot and the girl an opportunist who uses her looks and false interest to get what she wants. Heh heh. Not exactly mutually beneficial. 😉

      But hey, I just admitted to exploiting people to buy me booze with what comes naturally to me too, so whatever. Go get yourself some free drinks! Haha


      1. you know what…I just reconsidered my comment while brushing my teeth. A girl who does that is cruel and i guess the poor sod doesn’t know how to tell that she’s full of shit. But don’t you think that he should learn to? Like maybe start finding reasons to approach a girl that have more depth? I guess, what I’m trying to say is that shallow people will ultimately find other shallow people. And let them! They deserve one another


        1. Heh. Glad you added that. Ever seen the movie An Education with Carrie Mulligan? It would be akin to saying that because she was too “stupid” to consider that he may have been using her, she deserved the heartbreak.

          Not that a girl walking away from a dude with a pricey drink is a “heartbreak” scenario, but it is a little predatory because our social conventions pretty much dictate that the guys give chase and the girls get chased, you know?

          Anyway! We are getting too wrapped up in my fictitious little story, aren’t we? Heh heh. I don’t go to clubs anymore…more of a pub guy. 🙂


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