If you’ve been around the internet for any length of time, you’ve no doubt seen an article or two about beards, which typically seek to illustrate that by growing one, a man can instantly increase his awesomeness.
Apparently it’s even scientifically proven, and a quick Google search (which I’m too lazy to do for you, I’m afraid) will reveal that when women are asked to rate how attracted they are to photos of individual males using a scale of 1 to 10, they invariably rate the bearded photos more positively than they do the clean-shaven ones. The interesting thing about those tests is that the men in the photos are pictured both with the beard they were asked to grow, and also with the beard shaved off. The results indicated that (in general) the ladies prefer a more “rugged” look.
While I’m on the topic of laziness by the way, I’d like to point out the second best things about growing a beard: you don’t have to do anything.
If you’re capable of growing one, let me carefully go over the steps on how to change your life for the better:
1) Agree with me and decide you’re going to grow a beard.
See how easy that was? Just look at you! I know it’s virtually imperceptible at the moment, but you are now becoming statistically more attractive by the moment. Hell, as early as tomorrow morning it’ll probably start to pay off for you!
The Boss: “Johnson!”
You: “Uh – yes, sir?”
The Boss: “Johnson, I don’t know exactly what it is you’re doing differently today, but the strangest feeling just came over me: I think this company has undervalued you. Here, these are the keys to your new corner office and this is your VIP parking laminate. By the way, ‘Johnson’ is a highly unoriginal name and was last appropriate four seconds ago when you were a subordinate employee. But all that’s changed now, Johnson. Or should I say…Captain Wicked-Badass?”
Captain Wicked-Badass: “Thank you, sir!”
Hmm. I’m still not sure I’ve convinced you.
Okay, now I know what I’m going to do. Check it out, here I am a few days ago, “bearding it up” on the couch. Would you just look at me go!
You’re right, I’m no marble Greek statue or anything, but not bad for a 64 year-old man, right ladies?
Now here’s a picture of me in 1973 looking like absolute shit.
Led Zeppelin had hit the pinnacle of their success by this point, and…well, you know how things go. Jimmy Page inevitably became less and less about the music and more and more about his heroin addiction, so I briefly replaced him and became the group’s guitarist.
…for about one week.
We never played a show because when they found out I was too young at the time to grow a decent beard? Well, needless to say, they were not happy.
Male Readers: Do you have a beard? If so, please comment and tell me about YOUR corner office! If not? Well, ritual seppuku is also a good option!
Lady Readers: You get a pass. You get to comment and tell me about my awesomeness.
Bearded Lady Readers: Okay listen, I don’t like to discriminate, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Get your ass back to the travelling sideshow wagon and then TwitPic me (see right panel) the evidence you’re safely under lock and key again.