Beards = Awesome

If you’ve been around the internet for any length of time, you’ve no doubt seen an article or two about beards, which typically seek to illustrate that by growing one, a man can instantly increase his awesomeness.

Apparently it’s even scientifically proven, and a quick Google search (which I’m too lazy to do for you, I’m afraid) will reveal that when women are asked to rate how attracted they are to photos of individual males using a scale of 1 to 10, they invariably rate the bearded photos more positively than they do the clean-shaven ones. The interesting thing about those tests is that the men in the photos are pictured both with the beard they were asked to grow, and also with the beard shaved off.   The results indicated that (in general) the ladies prefer a more “rugged” look.

While I’m on the topic of laziness by the way, I’d like to point out the second best things about growing a beard: you don’t have to do anything.

If you’re capable of growing one, let me carefully go over the steps on how to change your life for the better:

1) Agree with me and decide you’re going to grow a beard.

2) Wait.

See how easy that was?   Just look at you!   I know it’s virtually imperceptible at the moment, but you are now becoming statistically more attractive by the moment.   Hell, as early as tomorrow morning it’ll probably start to pay off for you!

The Boss: “Johnson!”

You: “Uh – yes, sir?”

The Boss: “Johnson, I don’t know exactly what it is you’re doing differently today, but the strangest feeling just came over me: I think this company has undervalued you.  Here, these are the keys to your new corner office and this is your VIP parking laminate.  By the way, ‘Johnson’ is a highly unoriginal name and was last appropriate four seconds ago when you were a subordinate employee.   But all that’s changed now, Johnson.   Or should I say…Captain Wicked-Badass?”

Captain Wicked-Badass:  “Thank you, sir!”

Hmm.  I’m still not sure I’ve convinced you.

Okay, now I know what I’m going to do.   Check it out, here I am a few days ago, “bearding it up” on the couch. Would you just look at me go!

EasterSunday2014 035

You’re right, I’m no marble Greek statue or anything, but not bad for a 64 year-old man, right ladies?

Now here’s a picture of me in 1973 looking like absolute shit.

Led Zeppelin had hit the pinnacle of their success by this point, and…well, you know how things go. Jimmy Page inevitably became less and less about the music and more and more about his heroin addiction, so I briefly replaced him and became the group’s guitarist.

…for about one week.

We never played a show because when they found out I was too young at the time to grow a decent beard? Well, needless to say, they were not happy.

meinzeppelin

Male Readers: Do you have a beard? If so, please comment and tell me about YOUR corner office! If not? Well, ritual seppuku is also a good option!

Lady Readers: You get a pass. You get to comment and tell me about my awesomeness.

Bearded Lady Readers: Okay listen, I don’t like to discriminate, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Get your ass back to the travelling sideshow wagon and then TwitPic me (see right panel) the evidence you’re safely under lock and key again.

14 comments

  1. Highly amusing post. 😀

    As a lady reader (I think) I will ask instead of commenting on your obvious awesomeness, fuck the system, of you really do play guitar or if it just makes you look cool and as a follow up question, if you do play guitar for how long have you and what type of music do you play?
    Additional question, do you sing?

    And if you just posed, tell me something about life instead.

    Like

  2. I’m totally crushing on your living room. Currently I’m sitting in mine amidst piles of toys, stacks of books, and frumpy furniture. We have so much shit with the kids and no place to put it in our tiny apartment so we seriously look like hoarders. I’m so jealous of your neat rug and uncluttered decor.

    Like

    1. Thank you! I work really hard to keep the place clean, and….

      Okay, I’ll be honest – that’s the parent’s house over the Easter weekend. 🙂

      My place is actually quite nice too, and you’ve actually caught me on the day when I have time to literally dig its nice appearance up. I’m used to digging though, remember?

      Yeah, things clutter up pretty bad for 6 days of the week, and I need to de-clutter before I can get to work.

      Like

  3. I love men with beards, my husband grown his out of not giving a what and unfortunately, unemployment! That sucks I know, but we did find out that he looks really good with a beard and it stayed. =)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. He used to be a paramedic but broke his back and had serious surgery….he’s recovered now but now back in school to figure out a new career for himself!! =) I am a grad student studying mental health counseling, a blogger, and an Origami Owl salesperson!! =D

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        1. I’ve written a couple of articles on Mental Health on the blog here.

          The last was just the other night.

          “Male Nurse Fired for Being a ‘Real Shit-Disturber”

          The other was in the News / Current Events category.

          They are highly analytical and really cut to the meat of the issues, if I do say so myself. 🙂

          Like

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