My Uncanny Ability to Accurately Predict Upcoming Celebrity Deaths!

deathlist

The above is a scan of my hand-scrawled Celebrity Death List.

Scratching out the names became too labor-intensive after a time, so I stopped. Just for fun though, I’m going to go through the entire thing to illustrate just how good I am at this little parlor game. What, you’ve never heard of it?

If you check out www.deathlist.net you will discover a very active community that seeks to predict which celebrities are going to die.

Okay, the first of my three names:

1) Andy Griffith
2) Don Knotts
3) Peter Falk

Dead, dead, and DEAD!

Right out the gate, I’m three for three. Spooked yet? Do yourself a favor and remove your socks, because as we continue they’re probably going to fly off on their own.

Okay, at this point my average takes a bit of a nosedive, because if you notice, celebrities 4 through 7 are (incredibly) still among the living.

But, as I tastefully noted in the margin:

8) Legendary Tonight Show Host Johnny Carson?  DEAD!
9) Reviled Pontiff Pope John Paul II?   DEAD!

Sean Connery (10) is still alive, but he has officially retired from acting, and as everyone knows, that’s tantamount to announcing, “I’ll be dead soon, everybody!  Put me on the list!”   Consider it done, Dr. Jones.

11) Hugh Downs (b. 1921) you may remember as the man who put Barbara Walters in her place on 20/20 for many years whenever she interviewed a First Lady, princess, or an actor of  “Penn-Level” pretentiousness and would run off to buy hat a size or two larger.  After growing sick of being outshined night after night, she went on to become the executive producer of The View.  According to insiders, her original working title was “Big Fish, Small Pond.”

Anyway, he famously had a double-knee and spine replacement surgeries, and after celebrating his 93rd birthday in February, well…let me put it another way.   When this guy was born, Prohibition had recently come into being and Woodrow Wilson was still the president.  Technically.

“Technically?”

Look, I’ll spare you the historical ramble this time, but remember the seemingly sentient guy in the wheelchair at the end of Dead Silence (2007)?  No?   The actor who played the corrupt warden who blew his brains out rather than face the music at the end of The Shawshank Redemption (1994)? [Warning: Spoiler!]   Anyway, that.

Okay, Doc Watson (12), the legendary (and totally blind!) flatpicking folk guitarist of the Appalachians?   Recently deceased.  He was one of the good ones, unfortunately.  YouTube him if you’ve never heard of the guy and thank me later.   I saw him live in Tennessee one time and was blown away. As a matter of fact, the man played under a tent in the pouring rain, and the youthful crowd he could only hear in front him?   Well, we stood calf-deep in mud listening to the guy absolutely kill it with his renditions of 100 year-old traditional bluegrass.   You don’t even need to hear his music to understand how impressive that is. The same day?  Bob Dylan, a much talked about headliner, totally phoned it as he mumbled even more than usual through his performance, and I’m proud to say I hiked right the hell out of that sweaty crowd of stupid hippies.   “Blowin’ in the Wind”?   Let’s just say the anthem has taken on an entirely different meaning.   Key word: Blowin’.

13) Kirk Douglas.

Listen, I don’t even know what to say here because the fact he is still alive defies all earthly logic, wouldn’t you say?   If he eventually does die, I’ll be very tempted to dig him up and sell my “Douglas Ointment” (Patent Pending) as an Age-Defying skin cream to middle-aged women at county fairs across North America.  I’ll be a millionaire overnight!   Seriously, the guy was born just after the Battle of the Somme ended in 1916 and certain (idiotic) regiments were still charging European trenches on horseback, their sabers glinting in the sunshine.   Like…what?!   BE GONE, DEMON!  I command it!

14) Ernest Borgnine, best known as “Manny the Doorman” on Johnathan Silverman’s hit sitcom The Single Guy (1995 – 1997), is…DEAD!
15) Bea Arthur, the most masculine of The Golden Girls?   DEAD!
16) Les Paul, inventor of the iconic Fender Stratocaster guitar?  DEAD!

Larry King (17), Bob Dole (18) and Dick Cheney (19) have all announced plans to die “very shortly,” but have yet to commit, unfortunately.

And finally, at number 20, we end on a high note with Hollywood legend and bitter 60 Minutes pundit Mickey Rooney, who left us most recently at the ripe old age of 93, and reportedly used his final breath to cackle that he would “BE BACK!

We’ll see, Mr. Rooney.  We’ll see.

For anyone keeping track, 10 (or 50%!) of the names I listed—Ahem! In 2005—are now DEAD! Still, by my rough calculations, that’s almost the same as playing Russian Roulette with a round in three of the six chambers. Right? Worse still if you count Kirk Douglas, who could totally still get work as an extra on The Walking Dead. You know what, I’ve decided — he’s dead too. 55% accuracy, folks! Slightly better than a coin toss.

And now, without further ado, I leave you with the musical styling of teen sensation, the late Doc Watson!

applausesign-550

22 comments

    1. (For anyone who may be wondering, there’s nothing Wendy enjoys more than a salty rat dick, so the fact she has described today’s post as not one, but an entire BAG? It is her highest compliment!)

      THANK YOU, Wendy!

      I love you too! 😀

      I hope to provide you with many rat dicks in the future.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m sure you won’t dissappoint Wendy – more rat dicks coming up!

    Wow… I’m mighty impressed here – you managed to predict the one thing everyone will for certain do. 😉 Well… everyone apart from Kirk Douglas, that is.

    Like

    1. Mr. Wayne, you are truly a merciful billionaire. Such limitless power, yet…such restraint! I don’t know how you do it!

      In your situation I’d totally overthrow a small nation with an army of mercenaries…who I’d later kill rather than pay once I proclaimed myself the “Divine Sovereign” and took up residence in my Tony Montana-inspired “complex,” with my harem of well-compensated, heroin-addicted former runway models, my mountain of cocaine, infinite security cameras, and collection of arms and armour.

      Essentially I’d be committing “Suicide by Unimaginable Decadence,” because when “they” came to overthrow me (and they will – the world would not be able to allow it), my death will be one for the ages.

      Like

  2. Haha rat dicks….

    Anyway I can see why the National Cemetry Management Council have you as a recruit.

    Powers like this may prove useful.

    Also the fact there is a site dedicated to predictions when your gonna croak. I would feel a little bit of pressure to be honest. Well… at least people are still thinking of you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. True!

      I didn’t think of it that way, Rossi!

      Imagine if you will, being a perfectly spry old celebrity, and having your assistant email you at least once a week, much to your chagrin, to inform you of what deathlist.net’s odds of you croaking within the next twelve, eight, SIX months are?

      “Totally unrelated, but…can I get a letter of recommendation? Like, soon? You know what, forget I asked, sir.”

      “Alex, I don’t plan on dying ANY TIME soon!”

      “Yeah-yeah, I know…it’s just…that site has a pretty impressive history, and—-”

      “—ALEX!”

      😛

      Like

        1. Heh heh. Yeah, I’ve had that list forever and didn’t think it’d come in handy until I needed a blog post on the double!

          How’s THAT for thinking on your feet, Megan!? 😛

          But in all seriousness, thank you for laughing at the recently dead with me. I appreciate it. 🙂

          Audience: *Awwwwwww!*

          Like

  3. OMG. The tears are streaming down my face. I may not be a celebrity but this post just made me DIE laughing. I tried to read it out loud to my husband and just cried harder laughing. Indefinitely want some of that Douglas Ointment for my croquet ball feet.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. REALLY!?

      That’s awesome! Thanks! Whenever I finish a post, I examine in with my head cocked to one side in the few seconds after it’s “gone live,” when I’m PRETTY certain no one has seen it yet.

      And I’m full of anxiety.

      “God, that was probably the stupidest thing you’ve ever done.”

      I’m not a father yet (to the best of my knowledge), but I imagine when a Dad, after a dramatic buildup, looks at his wriggling offspring for the first time, there’s a similar panic.

      Will this STRANGER do great things? Do my name proud? Or will s/he only be a burden? An embarrassment?

      “Jesus, is there still time to run? If I split before it opens its eyes, I might—-”

      …and then maybe it opens its eyes?

      …and he sees his own staring back?

      …and then he suddenly realizes: it’s probably going to be….okay.

      All that to say, thanks for “staring back,” Charlotte.

      😀

      Like

  4. Great read! I might have missed it, but in case you haven’t heard of Doug Stanhope’s Celebrity Death Pool. It might be worth checking out. I haven’t given it a go, but I stay up to date on his twitter feeds. Winner’s receive tickets to shows, t shirts etc.

    Like

    1. Thanks! 😀

      Stanhope, eh? Bill Burr’s always talking about Stanhope on his podcast.

      I’m listening / watching to Norm MacDonald’s “cancelled” podcast on YouTube at the moment. Ha ha. I didn’t even realize a podcast COULD be cancelled. I suppose they have sponsors and stuff, but…as long as there’s an audience, you’d think there’d be a means to record your voice and make it available, wouldn’t you?

      It’d be like me saying I “used to keep a journal until it got cancelled.”

      Like….what?!

      Like

      1. Haha well said,

        I think DS and Burr kick it off pretty well. A bit of the same humour, except Stanhope gets a little darker which I can enjoy.

        Oh for sure! Just keep posting videos on the youtubes and people will tune in anyways. I think there’s a big bill for bandwidth in podcasting. Another way to shut out the little guy.

        Like

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