“TRIGGER THE GLITTER MORTARS!!” Ms. Gaga screamed into the PA system as she took the stage last night.
The explosions were deafening. The screams terrible.
Initial reports from the front came in the form of whispers, and indicated only that the barrage was devastatingly effective. This morning’s paper gave the grisly report: 18 maimed; 4 dead; 1 missing.
She then burst into “Poker Face,” one of her more popular numbers:
Shortly after, the shell-shocked audience bore witness to Gaga’s confusing rhetoric.
“Hello all you Canadian motherfuckers!” she announced, pacing angrily around the stage. Nearby, a little girl of around five or six who was perched atop her mother’s shoulders burst into tears.
“Hey there, now!” the father of this little girl then screamed at the top of his lungs. “I don’t think that there language of yours is really necessary, eh!”
Gaga turned towards the man and grimaced, then towards a figure about sixty feet above the stage. He was dressed all in white and wore large wings.
An angel costume.
When a spotlight illuminated him, it revealed that he was carrying a sequinned sniper rifle and was aiming in the angry father’s direction.
A muzzle flash.
The report told me it was a .308, which registers with more bass than it does treble. I felt the pulse reverberate in my chest as the sonic boom cut through the crowd.
I looked back to father. He was gone.
Well, his head anyway. The wife and daughter burst into wails. The inconsolable kind.
“Nice shot, Gaybriel!” said Gaga to the figure in the superstructure.
He gave an “Oh you!” wave in thanks.
Most of the audience cheered and applauded in terror, afraid of provoking her wrath once more.
“This next song,” she continued, “is for all of you weird motherfucking fuckers out there who are like, weird and stuff! You know?”
More applause and screams.
“I’ll never forget that…uh…ermmmm….LINE?!”
She then lowered the mic and looked to stage left, nodding to someone in the darkness.
“…forget that YOU MOTHERFUCKERS uhmm….aww hell! HWUN-TWO-THREE–HIT IT!”
Then we left.
Then I found this thing.
Did they know I was coming or something? Must have!